


No Retreat, No Surrender

by Haywire



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2017-12-31 23:53:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haywire/pseuds/Haywire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Avengers send Loki back to Asgard in Thor's custody, Natasha and Maria run into each other and spend an unscheduled day together, changing their relationship in a fundamental way in the process.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Retreat, No Surrender

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kathryne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kathryne/gifts).



> Set after the end of the Avengers movie so spoilers for that. Apologies in advance for any errors I've made with my research into Russian comfort foods or language, heh.
> 
> Written for kathryne for Femslash Exchange 2013, hope you enjoy it!

Loki’s attack on New York City resulted in PhD levels of aftermath, of which one of the variables involved mandated time off for those SHIELD agents directly involved in the events. While that rule didn’t strictly apply to the majority of the Avengers - Bruce, Thor, and Tony were free agents, while Steve technically pre-dated SHIELD itself - Clint and Natasha fell under its rubric and had to take a minimum of two weeks paid leave.

Natasha couldn’t remember the last time she’d had that much free time in her life. She had no idea what she was going to do with it for that matter. For a while she’d entertained thoughts of going back to Russia for a visit but those plans never went farther than being just that, plans. The more she’d thought about it, the more Natasha had realized her job provided her with all the travel she could possibly want and then some, so she’d decided to have what she’d heard termed a ‘staycation’ instead.

Their last official standing orders were to assist with the security detail escorting Loki back to Asgard. Natasha shared a car there with Clint and Bruce, with the latter no longer needed by SHIELD, at least for the time being. They saw Loki and Thor off and then Bruce left with Tony, speeding away in Stark’s high priced sportscar. Clint offered her a ride back to headquarters, which she’d accepted, her mind still thinking to what she could possibly do for the next fortnight.

“So… any idea what you’re going to do now, Nat?” he asked.

“Get out of my head, Barton.” Natasha replied with a smirk.

“Very funny.” Clint deadpanned with a ghost of a smirk on his own lips for a moment.

“As difficult as it may be to believe, I plan on doing nothing, actually. An attempt to unwind, if you will, after everything that’s gone on lately.” Natasha glanced out the passenger side window as she spoke, trailing her finger along the rubber edge insulating where the glass met the door.

“You’re right, that does sound difficult to believe.”

“Hey, we specialize in the difficult and the impossible, don’t we?”

“That we do.” He stole a glance at Nat, who was still looking out the window. “Is there anything… I mean, can I…”

“I’m fine, Clint. Promise.” She turned to face him, a tight, thin smile on display. “Honestly, the best thing for us all would be some time off duty for awhile.”

“Off duty? Now you’re really not making any sense, heh.” Clint replied with a forced chuckle, followed up by a frown. He opened his mouth to say something else but instead thought better of it.

“I’m not going off the grid or anything, don’t worry.” Natasha held up her SHIELD issued comm device and waved it gently. “They’ll still be able to reach me,” she added, talking directly to Clint. “I just need a break, whether I like it or not.” It was her turn to chuckle as she looked back out her window. “Look at me, actually not questioning directives from the higher ups for a change.”

_“Someday you’ll thank me for this, Romanov.”_

_Natasha had actually laughed out loud before she could catch herself, despite the remark having come from her superior, but she didn’t stop her stride just the same. Hill had her running at a high rate of speed for seemingly endless periods of time, and it was gruelling but increasing her stamina at the same time._

_“Something funny, Agent? Are you questioning my directive?” Maria Hill crossed her arms, raising an eyebrow at her ward._

_As a soldier hers was not to ask but to do, still Nat couldn’t help but internally question the usefulness of these exercises. Her role as a covert operative was to strike hard and strike fast, then disappear into the ether, not to engage targets for extended periods of time. Still, she obeyed._

_“No sir.”_

“First time for everything, yeah.” he agreed, Clint’s voice snapping her out of her reverie as he stopped at a red light. “They’re - you’re - probably right, anyway. Not that any of us can just turn it off, but it can’t hurt to try I suppose.”

Natasha nodded but before she could speak she spotted a familiar vehicle parked just up the street. A quick scan of the license plate confirmed that it was who she thought it was, though the car’s owner was nowhere in sight. She looked back to the traffic light, which was still red, then turned to Clint.

“So, hey, this is going to sound crazy, but I think I’m going to get out here, ok?”

“Here?” Clint asked, pausing a beat before continuing. “You sure?” He knew better than to ask her why, or if she needed anyone to go with her; Natasha was more than capable of looking after herself, after all, and he knew for a fact she had at least two firearms on her person then and there, with likely more weapons that he didn’t know about. She’d be just fine safety-wise and her reasons for leaving were her own. Prying into Natasha’s personal life without her invitation wasn’t something he - or anyone with a shred of common sense and a sense of self preservation for that matter - just didn’t do.

“Yeah, it’s fine. Gonna grab some fresh air, maybe double back to the Park, walk for awhile. And that shawarma place isn’t far from here either.” Tony’s insistence on all of them going there hadn’t been a bad thing, with Bruce and Thor especially loving it - the latter not surprising anyone - and Natasha herself had gone back a few times since then. “I’ll text you later when I get home, alright?”

“Sure, whatever you want, Nat.” He smiled as she undid her seatbelt and opened the door. “Hey, just… I’m here if you need me.”

“I know. Thanks, Clint, I’ll see you later.” She returned his smile and closed the door, just as the light turned green. Waving as Clint left, Natasha headed in the direction of the car she’d recognized.

The sun was warm on the back of her neck as she strolled down the street towards the vehicle. It was parked outside of a church, which dominated the majority of the block on its side of the street. Nat glanced up and down the block for any other buildings which a person might enter, as well as across the street, before heading inside the large wooden doors of the church.

The first thing that caught her eye was the stained glass windows and the multicolored light they threw around the otherwise dimly lit space. Looking up into the vaulted ceiling instilled a sense of awe in her, even if she wasn’t the most religious person; was it an optical illusion or was the building larger than it appeared from the outside? Natasha shook her head and lowered her gaze, eyes finally resting on the reason she’d entered the building in the first place.

_During a rare and brief lunch breach, Natasha looked up as Agent Hill entered the mess hall, surprised as the agent approached her table. Nat got to her feet and saluted her, only sitting when the superior officer waved to indicate the same._

_“No need to jump up every time you see me, Romanov. Jesus, you’d think I was Fury or something.” She pulled out a chair and sat across from the redhead._

_“Do I have permission to laugh at that, sir?” quipped Natasha._

_A handful of seconds passed before Maria’s blank face showed a hint of a smirk, then broke into a slight chuckle. “Permission granted.”_

_Instead of laughing, however, Natasha just nodded. The moment had passed. She resumed eating, unsure of what to say next._

_“You a religious person, Natasha?” asked Maria, starting to eat her own meal._

_“Sir?” The question had caught her off guard and she looked quizzically at her commanding officer._

_“It’s a simple question, and damn it, don’t call me sir. I know, I know, protocol and all that nonsense, but at least give me a break when we’re off the clock.” Maria nodded to the clock on the wall. “And not only is it lunch time, Romanov, but it’s also Sunday, hence my question. I’m guessing no since you’re here and not in church, at least not involving a religion that observes Sunday as a holy day I suppose.” she mused._

_“Not particularly, no. Doesn’t mesh well with the profession, si- um. Agent Hill.”_

_“I never took you for the religious type.” Hill replied offhandedly. “Maria is fine.” she added. “As cliched as it sounds, Agent Hill makes me look around for my father.”_

_“And yourself, Maria?” asked Natasha._

_“I enjoy having one day a week to myself, no matter the reason, whatever kind of person that makes me.” she answered after thinking for a moment._

“I never took you for the religious type.”

Agent Maria Hill turned from her seat in a nearby pew to face Natasha. “Agent Romanov,” she managed after a beat. “What are you doing here?”

“Nat when we’re off the clock, you know that. And I’m on vacation, apparently, thought not by choice.” she replied, taking a seat behind Maria and leaning forward, arms resting on the back of Hill’s pew. “I didn’t think you were, though.” Nat took in Natasha’s attire, which, even though she was clearly off duty, was still high end business casual. She found herself idly wondering if the other woman even owned a pair of jeans, let alone if she actually wore them.

“I’m not. Well, not the mandatory sort at least, but I have taken some of my annual leave.” She turned to better face Natasha, taking a look around the large building to see if anyone else was present. They appeared to be alone for the moment.

“That’s understandable.” Nat replied. They’d both seen a lot over the last several days, and while Hill might not be subject to the same forced leave for those agents directly on the field of battle, she’d been through a lot herself. She’d heard about the direct assault Clint had lead on the helicarrier, something which she refused to ask him about and which she wasn’t about to ask Maria either. Natasha’s mind briefly went to Coulson as well before coming back to the present. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude, I just recognized your car and…” She trailed off, not sure what to say next. They hadn’t talked since the invasion and she wanted to check in on Hill, but Nat didn’t want to say that aloud.

“Hey, it’s a public place, no worries.” Maria proffered a small smile and a nod in silent recognition of all that Nat wanted to say but couldn’t. “I’m just trying to… I don’t even know, to be honest with you.” She sighed and turned back to face the altar at the front of the building. “We just fought a war against an alien race in the middle of Manhattan, lead by one Norse god, with another Norse god on our side. Not to mention a reanimated American hero we pulled out of the ocean and the rage monster that is Bruce Banner. And then there’s Stark.” Maria turned back to face Natasha. “Really makes you wonder about your place in the whole universe and all, doesn’t it?”

“Sure does.” Natasha leaned back in the pew and mulled that over in her own mind. Fighting aliens amongst gods and superheroes was not something that happened every day, after all. “It’s a lot to process, I’m still working through it myself. Though if I’m honest - and no offense intended - here,” She gestured about the church. “is not where I do my best thinking.”

Maria laughed. “Can’t say that I’ve done much of that in here myself. I was just driving by and it pulled me in, what can I say?” She got to her feet, running her fingers over one of the intricate carvings in one of the pew’s sides. “I was here before, maybe two, three years ago, for a wedding. Hadn’t been here before, nor since, but when I drove past it today I just felt this… this need to stop and come inside.” She shrugged and wandered further down the center aisle, putting her hands in her pockets and gazing skyward. “As good a place as any to ponder such matters, I suppose.”

“Mmm, true, but I know a better place.” Natasha replied, getting to her own feet.

“Oh really?” Maria raised an eyebrow as she looked at the red head. “And where might that be, pray tell?”

* * * * *

“I’ve got to admit,” Hill started, taking a sip of vodka with a tip of the glass toward Natasha. “that this is not what I thought you had in mind. Not that I’m complaining, of course.”

“Of course. _Za zdorovje._ ” She clinked her glass against the other woman’s and downed the remainder of her own drink. “I thought you would enjoy it, and it’s been awhile since I’ve been here myself, so I must confess that my motivations were partly selfish as well.”

“Well, whatever your motivation I’m definitely glad we came here.” Maria reached out for a golden bun on one of the several plates in front of them. “What is this again?”

“It’s pirozhki, and that one…” Nat squinted at the one in Hill’s hand. “that’s filled with beef, and these over here have potato in them.” She took one of the potato ones for herself and took a big bite out of it. “These are my favourite, my grandmother would always make them for me when I came to visit.”

“Mmmph, so good.” Maria was doing the same with her own, catching some of the beef that escaped her mouth with her other hand. “Sorry, I am being incredibly rude here, I know.” Stuffing the remainder of the food in her mouth, she reached for a napkin and wiped her hands and then her mouth with it.

“No, it’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Nat finished hers and eyed the rest of the table. They’d finished the vast majority of food they’d ordered, having had the pirozhki as an appetizer, with an order of Olivier salad - authentically made to meticulous detail by the house chef - and kotlety on the side for the main course. The appetizer had actually been a mixture of pirozhki and pork pelmeni but the latter had long since been consumed, mainly by Nat. “I’m just glad that you enjoyed it.”

“Oh yeah, no doubt about that.” Maria replied with a smile, pushing her plate further into the table to indicate that she was done eating. With the exception of the few pirozhki left there wasn’t anything left anyway. “I haven’t had a meal that good in a long, long time.”

Their server came over and Maria moved to take the check but Natasha intercepted her, snatching the bill out of her hand before the other SHIELD agent could say anything.

“Hey, you don’t have to do that -”

Nat waved off the protest. “No, I insist. Trust me, I haven’t eaten like this in awhile myself and it was my pleasure, not to mention my idea, so it’s my obligation. And besides,” she paused, smiling ever so slightly at Maria. “It was my pleasure. I don’t often get to share things like this with anyone.”

“All right, but you have to let me leave the tip at least. Fair?” Maria wasn’t about to simply roll over, as much as she appreciated the gesture. Before Nat could respond she was digging around and putting money on the table.

_“Life is not fair.” Hill simply said, standing over Natasha’s prone form on the gym mat. “Simple lesson, I know, but one that’s important not to forget.”_

_They had been sparring, hand to hand combat, and mid-fight Maria had produced a telescopic baton from one of her boots, using it to get the upper hand on her surprised and suddenly disadvantaged opponent._

_Cursing under her breath, Natasha got back to her feet and squared herself to Hill once more. Maria just raised an eyebrow, surprised for a second that the other woman wanted to continue fighting._

_“Another lesson I’ve learned, if I may paraphrase a certain American performer, is no retreat, no surrender.” Natasha said, raising her fists and preparing to go on the offensive._

_Smirking for an instant, Maria nodded and moved into position. “If you insist.”_

“Fair.” Natasha nodded and handed a credit card over to the server, who took it and went to process the transaction. Some restaurants had hand held wireless devices to allow patrons to pay with debit or credit at the table, but not this one. Here they still used the manual credit card imprinter which copied an imprint of one’s actual credit card for each transaction, and for some reason that only endeared the restaurant even further with Nat.

Maria finished placing money on the table and watched the waitress run Nat’s credit card through the imprinter, chuckling at the loud ‘ka-CHUNK’ sound it made. “This really is a unique place, huh?”

“It has a certain old world charm, yes.” Nat said with a grin. “I stumbled upon it a few years back, during a mission of all things. Guy we were tailing dropped the name of the place as a potential meeting place for a deal to go down, we came here to catch them in the act, and I’ve been a semi-regular ever since.”

“That must’ve been one of your first missions, yeah?” Maria said. “Given that it was a few years ago, I mean, and that I wasn’t involved.” She’d been assigned to supervise Nat after Clint had brought her into the fold for the first year or thereabouts, training her in the ways of SHIELD and accompanying her into the field once she’d progressed to that point.

“That’s right, it might’ve been the very first one now that you mention it, actually.” said Natasha. “God, was it really only a few years ago?” So much had happened since then, she was virtually a completely different person now, at least in her own mind.

“It was, yes. Some days it feels like it was only yesterday, and some days, well.” Maria drifted off, staring at the table before glancing up at Natasha and then quickly turning to see what was taking the waitress so long. As if on cue, she approached the table, wordlessly dropping off the receipt for Nat to sign and leave on the table before heading for another table that was summoning her.

Natasha signed the receipt and slid it into the well worn folder, leaving it on the center of the table next to Maria’s tip. A few seconds of silence followed until she broke it. “Well, this was nice. We should do this more often, Maria.”

“It was, and we should.” she replied. “Next time I’ll pick the place, and it’s on me. I owe you one.” Hill gently knocked on the table with her knuckles for emphasis. “Which… hey, I don’t know about you, but I usually have a cup of tea or coffee after a rich meal like that. Would you want to have a cup of tea? Or coffee, if you’d rather?”

“Sure, that’d be fine with me.” Nat didn’t have any other plans for the evening and something sweet to follow her meal made sense to her. “I don’t know if there are any coffee shops or cafes in the area though, now that you mention it.”

“There aren’t, not really, which I know because my place is actually just a few minutes from here.” Maria got to her feet and started to put her coat on, removing her car keys from a pocket once she’d done so.

“Hey, you’re my ride so wherever you want to go I’ve got no say in the matter.” Nat got up herself and grabbed her coat, following Maria out of the restaurant and saying a quick goodbye to the staff in her native tongue. “Beggars can’t be choosers, after all.”

“Well, no, but I do owe you so you’re not exactly a beggar.” She unlocked the car doors and got in the driver’s seat and started the car as Nat seated herself. “I mean, if you’d rather go home I completely understand.”

“No, it’s fine, honestly.” Natasha hesitated before continuing. After everything that’d happened time off was definitely required, mandatory or not, but that didn’t necessarily mean she wanted to be alone. That wasn’t something easily communicated, however, so she just shrugged. “I don’t have any plans so it’s no big deal.”

“All right, that’s good.” Hill smiled and put the car into drive, pulling out of their spot as she headed for her residence. “It’s just a couple of blocks away, actually. I was surprised that I didn’t even know about this place until now, I must’ve passed by it hundreds of times but never thought to check it out. I’ll be coming back, though, you can count on that.”

“It doesn’t really stand out, it’s one of those things that’s just sort of _there_ , you know?” Nat leaned her arm against the passenger door, sliding her right hand through her hair as she looked over at Maria. “I like it.”

Maria parked in her driveway and went ahead of Nat into the house, unlocking the door for her. Her house was a modest yet well kept split level building, complete with an attached two car garage even though she only had the one vehicle. A white picket fence encircled the property, and the lawn was well maintained, complete with a small flower bed that ran along the face of the home.

Entering the front door, Natasha was immediately impressed with the decorating. It was a modern design style, sparse yet tasteful throughout. Maria took her coat and hung it in a closet immediately to their left, and Nat followed her up a short, carpeted set of stairs to the living room above them.

It was an open concept floor plan with hardwood throughout the main level, with tile on the adjoining kitchen floor. Nat presumed the other set of stairs lead up to the bedrooms, then turned her attention to the living room. Its ceiling was much higher than seemed possible from outside, not unlike the church she’d found Maria in earlier, and a fan spun lazily at its peak. Nat walked towards the large bay window that sat in the center of one of the walls, which faced into the backyard of the property. Outside there was a lovely wooden patio, complete with a covered hot tub and a patio set inside what was a fairly large yard for residential property in the city. It must’ve cost her a small fortune, Nat figured.

“Very beautiful place you’ve got here, Maria.”

“Thank you. It used to belong to my grandmother, actually, and I inherited it when she passed some years ago.” Maria walked up along side of Nat, crossing her arms and looking out into the yard as well. “I’ve put a lot of work into it since then, but it means a lot to me. I can still remember playing in the yard there with her and my grandfather. That wasn’t yesterday, heh.”

“You’ve certainly done well by her memory in doing so, there’s no denying that.” Nat turned and examined the fireplace set into the far wall. On its mantle sat several framed photographs and she ran her hand along the edge of the mantle, eyeing each picture as she walked past.

“Thank you.” Maria watched the other woman for a second before shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I’m boring you with all of this while I should be making tea. Or coffee, was it?” She turned and headed for the kitchen, talking as she went.

“Whatever you’re having is fine, thank you, no need to make both.” Nat made a note of the people in the photos. Some she presumed were a young Maria with her parents, and another was likely one of her with her grandparents, but she didn’t notice any other children in the pictures.

“Tea it is then, I just picked up some new varieties last weekend, actually, and I’ve been dying to try them out.” Maria sang out from the kitchen as she rummaged through the cupboards.

“Don’t tell me, does it include some variation on lemon or ginger?” Nat replied with a slight grin on her face. She focused on what appeared the be the newest picture on the mantlepiece, of a slightly younger Maria Hill in uniform, perhaps after her graduation but before enrolling in SHIELD. Her hair was down in the photo and longer than it currently was, and there was a certain something in her face that had since gone missing. Innocence perhaps, she thought, or was it something else? Reaching out, Nat brushed a fingertip against Maria’s face as she pondered.

“How did you know?” came the reply, from a closer distance, making Nat jump ever so slightly. “Sorry, didn’t think it was possible to sneak up on you, to be honest, heh.” Hill said with a chuckle. “That’s after I graduated from the academy. You can tell by the veritable _waves_ of naiveté rolling off of me.”

“Not naiveté.” Nat said, pulling her hand back but still not turning to face Maria. “Something else. And you used to drink it all the time, I can remember the scents.”

“Hindsight’s twenty twenty, I suppose. Looking back I sure was naive, but maybe there was something else. Excitement, hope, any number of things that I’ve lost since then.” Maria shrugged, looking at Natasha and crossing her arms. “I’m surprised you remembered. I do have a fondness for those things, it’s true. There’s also a nice sounding chamomile I’m curious to try.”

 _’Happiness.’_ thought Nat without verbalizing it. Instead she turned, offering a slight smile to her hostess. “Mmm, sounds nice, I’d like to try that one. It might make it easier to sleep tonight too, which would be a nice bonus.”

The shrill keening of the kettle reached them in the living room, having come to a boil while they spoke. They both turned to face the source of the sound and Nat followed the other woman into the kitchen once she headed in that direction.

Entering the room, she wasn’t surprised to find Maria’s kitchen was just as lovely as the rest of the house. The backsplash immediately caught her eye, a floral pattern that didn’t dominate the entire area but which drew your attention to it without overwhelming the rest of the room. The granite counter top was exquisite as well, and all of it was well kept and tidy. Two mugs rested next to the steaming kettle, with the box of tea on the other side.

“Help yourself,” Maria said, waving towards the selection of tea. “I’ve already picked mine out.” She took the kettle and poured the hot water into her own cup, which already held a tea bag.

Nat inhaled as the other woman poured and the aroma of chamomile was hard to miss. “Surprised you didn’t go with the lemon.” She took one of the lemon flavoured ones for herself, dropping it into her cup before Maria added the water, raising her hand to indicate when it was full enough.

“Honestly, while all that food was awesome, it’s making me pretty tired, so I reckon why fight off the urge to sleep?” Maria said with a small smile. “It’ll be a welcome change, at any rate.” She took her cup and headed for the kitchen table, where an assortment of accoutrements were placed - sugar, honey, and creamer, amongst other things. “Help yourself to whatever you’d like, and if you prefer fresh milk it’s in the fridge.”

“Not sleeping well, I take it?” Nat asked, following her to the table. She added just a dab of honey to her tea and slowly stirred it with her spoon. Sleep had been elusive for the redhead as well since Manhattan but it had been getting better.

Maria took a sip of her tea and stared at Nat, as if she were trying to gauge something. Nat wasn’t one to shy away so she let her stare away as she waited for Hill to speak. After a few seconds, the brunette sighed and laid her mug back down on the table.

“How do you do it, Nat?” she asked.

“Do what, exactly?” Natasha asked, a little lost by the apparent shift in subject.

“You know what I’m talking about. The Avengers. You and Barton, how do you work with them? How do you...” Maria gestured with her hands for a second as she struggled for words before giving up. “...how does it even work? How does any of it really work?”

“Well,” she started, alternately lifting and submerging her tea bag in her mug as she let it steep. “it’s… difficult, to be sure, and different from anything I’ve ever done before.”

“Difficult is putting it mildly, Natasha. I mean, for Christ’s sake, Tony Stark is arguably the most normal one of them all. Tony Stark.” Maria shook her head. “Do you know just how _fucked up_ that is?”

“I do, I really do.” Natasha replied with a nod. She’d worked with him undercover as per SHIELD’s request, which had been very interesting to say the least. Not that she had to work with him to get to know Tony Stark, as practically the whole word was aware of his recent antics and adventures. “But compared to, what, a defrosted World War II super soldier, a gigantic green rage monster, and basically a _god_ , yeah, he’s the most normal of the lot, albeit highly unusual.”

“Aside from you and Clint, anyway.”

“Well, yes, not including Clint and I.” Nat wondered just how normal she and Clint actually were, especially after what they’d both been through in terms of mind control. She wasn’t exactly eager to explore that topic and was glad that Maria didn’t seem to be bringing them up either.

“I just… I don’t know. How are we supposed to deal with something like that? Aliens, gods, monsters, where does it end?” Maria cupped her mug with both hands and looked down into the swirling hot liquid. “How do we be expected to possibly fight something like that and win?”

“Honestly? I don’t know. Maybe we can’t.” Nat didn’t have an easy answer for the brunette, as much as she found herself wanting to give her one, but more importantly she realized she didn’t want to lie to her. “It is terrifying, and it raises all sorts of questions.” Which was probably why she’d found Maria where she’d found her earlier in the afternoon, Nat reckoned.

“I mean, we survived this time, but who’s to say we can handle what comes next? Or what’s actually coming next, even, or from where it’s coming?” Maria sighed, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to focus on this, but it’s all I’ve been thinking about since Manhattan. How Fury was right to trust in you, but if he’d been wrong… and to put that much trust into so many unknown quantities, I…”

Natasha reached out and placed a hand over one of Maria’s. “Hey, I get it. Believe me, I do.” Flashes of memory weaved in and out of the forefront of her mind. The gigantic flying _things_ that flowed out of that portal, the roars of the alien army’s foot soldiers, the otherworldly scent and stench of death throughout the entire battlefield - it was all too much to bear. So Nat hadn’t been thinking about it, but it was plain to see Maria was still struggling with it all.

“I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to, but I can’t.” Maria didn’t pull her hand away but she didn’t look up either. “I wasn’t even on the field, either, so what the fuck’s wrong with me?” Her voice hitched as she spoke, prompting Nat to squeeze her hand reflexively.

“Hey, no. Maria. Look at me.” Nat started. It was the cursing that did it; she’d never seen nor heard Maria act that way. The same things had been swirling through Nat’s head and she’d fought to keep them bottled up, which is apparently what they’d both been doing, only now Maria’s walls were crumbling down right before Nat’s eyes.

When Hill didn’t look up the redhead reached over and gently lifted her chin, raising her head until they were at eye level. Maria finally relented and met Nat’s gaze, her eyes welling up with unshed tears. Even in her sadness she’s a fighter, Nat realized.

_“Don’t you dare give up on me, Romanov.” Hill’s voice was ironclad, arms crossed as she towered over the prone ex-Russian spy._

_Natasha was having a particularly bad day in her continuing efforts to overcome the brainwashing to which she’d been subjected in her previous employ and she lay face down on the bed in her quarters, hands tightly clutching her head. When she’d failed to report for training a SHIELD medic had informed Hill that she was unable to continue with her training that day but that hadn’t been good enough for Maria._

_“Get up.”_

_When Natasha didn’t budge, Maria spoke louder._

_“Get. Up. Now.” She emphasized the last word with a kick to the base of Nat’s bed, causing the figure on top of it to flinch and look up ever so slightly._

_When her eyes met Hill’s she saw something. The SHIELD officer’s tone and posture dripped with anger and authority as intended, but her eyes belied something else. ‘Pity,’ Nat thought, which was not what she wanted, ‘but also something else.’ A hint of compassion, sympathy, or perhaps a mixture of the two?_

_She wasn’t sure but whatever it was Nat recognized its significance. Hill wanted her to succeed, needed her to break hold of what was holding her down. It mattered to her somehow._

_She got up._

Maria’s mouth opened but no words came out at first. “I… I’m sorry.” She raised her free hand, wiping her eyes with the back of it. Some of her tears escaped and trickled down her cheeks despite her efforts, and she choked out a sob. “Christ, I’m such a mess.”

Nat reached out and, using her thumb, brushed away the stray tears streaking down Maria’s face. Her skin was flush and warm to the touch, and Nat carefully erased each one until they were gone. Maria stared at her as she did so, occasionally sniffling quietly but quiet otherwise. All of Natasha’s concentration went into the task at hand, not meeting the other woman’s gaze, instead taking her time to wipe away her tears as best she could.

When she was done Nat’s eyes finally met Maria’s, and the warmth between them was palpable to her. _‘There it is,’_ she thought, _‘that’s the something.’_

As if on cue Maria surrendered, letting her cheek rest against Nat’s soft hand ever so slightly. In return Nat cupped her face, again stroking her flesh with her thumb, this time not to brush away tears but for the sole purpose of feeling her warmth, of letting her know she was there, that she cared for her. Maria shifted the hand that was still holding Nat’s, intertwining her fingers with the redhead’s own and squeezing it tightly.

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Nat wasn’t precisely sure what had just happened but she was comfortable with it, and as long as Maria was then she wasn’t about to move or leave. Maria’s eyes were closed as she rested them, and she seemed to have calmed some, which was good in Nat’s book.

“Your tea’s getting cold.” Nat managed after a few more minutes had passed. Her own cup was cooling off too but she wasn’t worried about herself or her tea at that moment.

“Mmm, that’s ok. It’s done the trick.” Maria reopened her eyes for a second before yawning. The motion forced Nat to withdraw her hand from the brunette’s cheek and Hill covered her mouth with her free hand. “Sorry, I was already tired and the stress just… yeah, I’m drained on all levels, I’m afraid.”

“I understand, Maria, you don’t need to explain to me.” Nat knew the feeling all too well, that of being physically, emotionally, and mentally wiped out. “You just relax, I’ll tidy up and I can show myself out.” She could call a cab or catch one on the street once she left.

“Stay the night.” Maria blurted out, locking eyes with Nat as she did so. “I don’t want to be alone,” she appended. “not right now, I… I can’t. Please.” She squeezed her hand again for emphasis.

“Maria, I…” Natasha was the one to look away this time, unsure of what to say.

“There’s a spare bedroom, complete with a queen sized bed, already made and available.” Maria explained. “I… I know I’m asking a lot of you, Nat, but please.”

After another few seconds of silence Nat acquiesced, nodding in agreement. “Ok, if that’s what you want.” She looked down at their hands, still clasped together on the table. They had a lot to talk about anyway, it seemed, and if it made Maria feel more comfortable then that’s what she’d do.

Nat gently slid her hand out of Maria’s after a reassuring squeeze, then got to her feet and took both of their cups of tea to the sink. Maria remained in her seat, and once Nat had finished tidying up she moved behind her, placing her hands on Hill’s shoulders.

“All right, ready for some well deserved rest?” When Maria nodded in the affirmative Nat helped her get up, making sure she was steady enough on her feet. Maria stood up slowly, being careful herself, but after a second it appeared she wasn’t going to have any problems.

Turning to face Nat, Maria slid her arms around the redhead’s waist, leaning towards her and hugging her tightly. Nat placed her hands on the other woman’s back, returning the hug, and supported her as she leaned against her.

Before Nat could tell her that it was ok, that she wasn’t going anywhere, Maria pulled back. As Nat moved back herself to see what was wrong, Hill’s lips were suddenly pressed against hers. It wasn’t unpleasant at all, and Natasha closed her eyes instinctively, pressing back as they kissed. In fact it was very pleasant, but as her mind began to realize this it also became aware of a million other things - their professional relationship, their respective vulnerabilities, the speed with which all of this was happening - and she pulled back, breaking it off.

“Maria, I-”

“No, I’m sorry, that was stupid.” Maria volunteered. “Stupid and forward of me and I’m sorry, Nat. You deserve better than that.”

“It’s ok, Maria, honestly.” Nat said, taking a step back from the other woman. “It wasn’t stupid, I just… this is all a little confusing, not to mention fast. Doesn’t make it stupid, doesn’t make it wrong either.” She reached out with both hands and took hold of both of Maria’s. “Ok?”

“Ok.” Maria replied. “I understand, and… thank you, Natasha.” She squeezed her hands and released one of them, turning around and leading Nat by the hand to the bedroom. When they reached the spare room Hill reached in with her free hand, turning on the light. “This is it, and in case you missed it earlier the washroom’s right there, and my room’s across from it.” She pointed as she spoke for Nat’s reference.

“All right, I’ve got it. Don’t worry about me, ok, you just go get some rest.” Natasha smiled. She reached out with her free hand and brushed back a stray lock of Maria’s hair that had fallen over one eye, tucking it behind her ear.

“I will, promise.” Maria bit her lip, then moved forward slowly, giving Nat time to retreat is she so chose - which she didn’t, to her relief - before kissing her once, softly. “Good night, Natasha.”

“Good night, Maria.” Nat watched the brunette walk away backwards until their hands slipped apart, then looked to make sure she got in her bedroom alright before she entered the spare room.

She closed the door behind her once she was inside, then took a look around. The bed was made and ready to be used, just as Maria had said it was. She pulled the covers down then disrobed, leaving her shirt and underwear on before turning the light off and getting into bed. It was very soft for someone’s spare bed and it took little time to make herself comfortable.

As easy as it was to get comfortable, however, sleep didn’t come easily. Nat kept thinking back to Maria and how distraught she apparently was, and to what had transpired between them. Their relationship went back a long way, beginning with Maria training her after Clint brought her into the fold.

It hadn’t been an easy transition; in fact, Clint’s orders were not to convert her but rather to eliminate her, however he’d chosen a different option. It then fell to Hill to ensure whether her conversion was even possible, and if she’d given up on Nat then she probably wouldn’t have been alive to ponder such things then and there. Hill, like Clint, had seen something in Natasha, something worth saving. Unlike her situation with Clint, however, with Maria it had always felt different than a debt in her ledger that she wanted to erase.

No, it was more personal. Part of her had always known that, if not exactly _what_ it was that it was something different at least, and now she knew why. Tonight’s interactions with Maria had revealed just what the brunette’s feelings were, and now Natasha was left to wrestle with exactly how she herself felt.

_“Agent Romanov, I’m happy to report that as of today you are cleared for active duty.” Nick Fury informed her, tossing her personnel file on the table in front of him._

_“Sir? Are you sure, sir?” Natasha was surprised at the news, as she’d been expecting another six months of training and re-education at the very least, given how she’d felt her sessions with Agent Hill had transpired._

_“I can override Hill’s position on your status if you’d prefer, Romanov.” said Fury. “Because if you’re not ready…”_

_“No, sir, I am more than ready.” Nat responded. “It’s just… I didn’t expect this, sir.” She knew better than to ask exactly what Agent Hill’s report about her stated but it was clearly far more positive than she’d anticipated._

_“We don’t expect a lot of things here at SHIELD, Agent Romanov, yet that doesn’t stop things from happening, now, does it? We just deal with it as best we can.” Fury tapped the manila file folder with his finger. “Agent Hill believes you’re able to do just that. Some things you can’t train - instincts, gut feelings if you will, natural acumen and talents. You’ve got those things in spades, Agent, and I happen to concur with Agent Hill that any concerns SHIELD may have had about your judgment and whether you’ve been compromised have been satisfied.”_

_“Excellent, thank you, sir.”_

_“You want to thank me, Romanov, thank me by using those skills and that judgment to deal with things. That’s what we do here, on an unprecedented level mind you, and now that’s what you do as well.”_

Since that day she’d given SHIELD her all, tackling the unknown and undertaking mission after mission whenever it was asked of her. She never questioned orders, never asked how or why but instead where and when. In return SHIELD trusted her to carry out her instructions in her own manner, to fight her own battles and carry out her own plans to accomplish what they needed her to do.

Unlike her previous employers, Natasha was in control, she wasn’t a simple puppet or tool to be manipulated. There were always going to be a plethora of variables out of her control, but the difference now was that she determined how she did or didn’t interact with people and things. She had a say in how to approach what she wanted for once in her life, and likewise was free to pursue what she wanted, how she wanted.

Opening her eyes, she realized what it was she wanted to do. Pulling the covers off of her, Nat got to her feet and exited the spare bedroom, heading down the hall towards Maria’s room. The door was open just a crack and she carefully pushed it open further, walking inside. Maria was laying on her side, and Natasha slid underneath the covers behind her, cuddling up to her and gently wrapping her arms around her.

“Mmm, Nat?” Maria managed sleepily.

“Shh, it’s all right.” Natasha hugged her gently, kissing the back of her head and nestling in as she made herself comfortable. “Go back to sleep.”

“‘k.” Maria managed, pushing back against her and sighing contentedly before drifting back to sleep.

 _‘No retreat, no surrender.’_ thought Natasha with a smirk, enjoying the warmth of the woman beside her. There was still a lot to discuss and figure out, and who knew where things were going to go, but that train of thought could wait until the morning. For now, this was what she wanted and that was all she needed to know, and that was more than good enough.


End file.
